I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
