So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
