He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
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Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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