Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
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