i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
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Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
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i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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