We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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