fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
How external is "for external use only"?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
