is your mom at the bar?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
ttyl tear gas
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
