I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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