If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
