We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
