she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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