Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
