I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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