Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just threw up on my dentist
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
