Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
