Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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