I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I need a burrito and a hug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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