I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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