I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
