Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
