If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
