Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
