Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
there is glitter all over my balls
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
