i jhust puked up my retainher.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
