Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
