I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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