I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
