The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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