Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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