:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
