Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
