i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
