I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
