guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
