Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
