her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Randomize
