she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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