Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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