That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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