dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
