Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
