I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize