Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
