Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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