I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize