I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
