She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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