Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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