She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
