That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
