that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
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